Depression, the Secret We Share

I just saw this video which I feel everyone should watch at least once in their life, especially those who have been through or still go through a darkness of sorts and know what depression is like. I think that they could connect with a lot of what is said in this video, which is how I myself felt when I watched it.

Personally, a part of me relates to what is said in the video. It doesn’t happen always, but sometimes I am grateful for the depression, anxiety and the hard times. They have taught me to seek love and happiness in the moments life offers. And they make me feel thankful for the interest I still have in the things I love. Because I remember a time where nothing made me feel content. And I hope I never get back to that time.

In light of mental health awareness week, I would like to share this video. I also hope that I reach a point where talking about my own darkness does not make me feel awkward or uncomfortable anymore.

I hope everyone does.

I hope all of you get through the difficult and unbearable times and emerge victorious, content and free from the shackles of depression and anxiety.

© Ashes 2018

 

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Saturn

Choosing one song as my favorite is one of the hardest things for me, right next to choosing a favorite book. But if I could choose just one song which I’d want the entire world to listen to as well, it would be ‘Saturn’ by Sleeping at Last.

The lyrics are simple yet so deep and they make you dwell on the intricacy of life. Not to mention how intoxicating the music is. I love it so much. It fills my heart with so much emotion, and no matter how many times I may have heard it, each time I listen to it is like the very first time for me. And I hope that never stops happening when it comes to this song. It makes me appreciate life more.

You taught me the courage of stars before you left.
How light carries on endlessly, even after death.
With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite.
How rare and beautiful it is to even exist.

I hope people listen to it and fall in love with it just as much as I have.

© Ashes 2018


 

Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust

Lately I’ve been learning a lesson the hard way: You have to have faith in yourself before receiving it from others. Because people will almost always discourage you, strangers and sometimes even people who you thought would always support you no matter what.

I don’t mean to be a pessimist, I know not all people are like that. But certain people always have a habit of giving you their opinion about certain matters, and it makes you doubt yourself, your decisions and even your abilities.

I was to go to medical college this year, but I realized that isn’t what I want to do and decided to take a gap year and apply for English next year. And ever since I’ve made that decision, about 85% of the people who know about that have discouraged me and said that it is of no value and I’ll never get a job in the future. A woman, who I consider close and was my teacher for 9 years, told me it will get me nowhere and that I should change my decision. Even my own mother has doubts about it. I can’t blame them completely because where I live, it is a norm for society to only give value to a medical or engineering degree. Most of the other subjects are thought of as an easy way out of education, and almost worthless.

I love writing. It comes naturally to me and it is something I enjoy doing. And I have the opportunity to study it and make a career out of it, even though I know there will be many obstacles along the way and people will say things about me and judge me. Yet I find myself doubting my decision because of all the things people have been whispering in my ears, like failing and not getting anywhere in life.

I feel sad admitting this but most of the time I’ve let their words discourage me. Even now I have doubts. But I’ve also realized that only I can motivate myself and push myself to do my best and prove them all wrong. I will do it for myself and I will show them what I’m made of along the way. It’s just that some days my resolve is not as strong as it usually is and I find myself spiraling into a pit of despair and self-doubt.

I’ve recently realized just how much I’ve let others affect my decisions, and I am now trying my hardest to trust myself more and have faith in myself.

So if you who is reading this is at that point in your life where you feel discouraged and feel like the world is against you and trying to bring you down, believe. Just believe; in yourself and in your abilities. You are the only one who knows yourself best. So, use their words and their metaphorical hate-sticks and turn them into flowers of belief and faith and prove them wrong. More importantly, prove yourself right, that you do have what it takes and you can do anything you set your mind on.

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 “All you need is a little faith, trust, and pixie dust.” -Peter Pan

I don’t mean to sound infuriatingly optimistic or naive when I say this, but belief and faith do go a long way, especially when you are the one carrying them inside of you. So, just believe in yourself. And if you still need someone to believe in you, well then you’re reading her words right now; I really and truly believe that you will succeed. I just hope that, in given time, you come to believe in yourself too.

© Ashes 2017

Coward

I’m tired of people telling me who to be and how to change myself. I am aware that I am severely in need of character development but that’s something I’ll have to work on my own. And if people are indeed going to try to help me, then they shouldn’t complain about it later and say that the time they’ve spent on me could have been used more fruitfully for something else.

I have social anxiety and I stress a lot. And if anyone has ever experienced this, they’ll know that it is very hard to overcome the anxiety just to talk to someone and how hard it is sometimes to even function properly in their day-to-day lives. So why not try to be an encouragement to those around you rather than make them feel bad about something that they don’t always have active control over?

I’m trying to improve and it works sometimes but other times I slide right back to where I started. But it would help even more if people didn’t try to tell me how I should be or how I should stick up for myself if someone insults me. I pick my battles and it doesn’t make me a coward if I choose to walk away from some rather than fight back. I have a limited amount of energy and I would just rather not waste it on people whose opinion I don’t even care much about.

Trying to avoid conflict and arguments doesn’t make me a coward, I know that. But if it does so in some people’s eyes, then I’m happy to be one in cases like these.

© Ashes 2017