I Promise

Today started out pretty normal, like just every other day. Another day of conversation of love and laughter with you, so blissful and unreal and so full of joy. Part of me wishes I hadn’t ruined it by asking the question that I’ve always feared the answer to. Maybe I’d still be happy right now if I hadn’t said anything. Instead, here I am thinking too deeply again and my heart hurts after every few minutes, but that’s okay, that’s to be expected. It’ll go away eventually.

I would always avoid thinking about it; about a time where we might not be a team anymore, in more ways than one, like we are right now. Before today, I would always distract myself before I delved too deep into that thought. It hurt too much to think about it. But today I asked you, still naively hoping that your answer would be the reassurance I so desperately have been looking for and wanting to hear. It was not. Not entirely. It was realistic and practical, honest but kind, just like you always are. I got my answer, the one I was afraid of, but maybe, in the long run, I’ll thank you for it. Maybe that’s what I needed right now, a reality check. I don’t blame you in the slightest, love.

Normally, when something like this happens, I feel like pulling away and becoming distant, just so I can save myself from the eventual pain. I’m not going to lie, a huge part of me wants to do that right now; to isolate myself and hide under the covers until at least tomorrow. But as much as I want to, I won’t let myself, for a number of reasons. One being, that that would probably be playing right into Fate’s hands and would lead to exactly the outcome that I fear so much. Two, who knows how much time we have left, and I don’t want to spend it moping around when I could be doing something I love, like making you laugh.

I’m afraid, so desperately afraid, of us parting ways and what would come after that. But I don’t want to let that hold me back. I don’t want to regret never giving it my all. I want to spend every moment we have left learning more about you, talking to you, listening to your voice and your words, gazing into those eyes I’ve come to know as well as my own, making you laugh the laugh that makes me feel like I’ve accomplished the greatest thing I ever could in this life, and giving you all the love my smol body can muster.
Maybe every time we talk about our future now, about Zonita, the atlas, playing soccer in the backyard and that house surrounded by a huge hedge, it might hurt a little knowing that it might just be wishful thinking on our parts, but I’ll still smile real bright for you on the outside and believe and dream, just as big as before. That’s something you taught me how to do well; to dream as big as my imagination will allow, to be happy and to have faith in each other, and in Fate. It might be a huge gamble but if I’m ever going to put my belief into anything, it’s going to be us.

So I’m going to continue wearing my heart on my sleeve, to love you with all I have, to learn from you as much as I can, to collect all these precious and timeless memories with you and let them keep me warm on days where we’re so far apart. I’m going to pray with all my might because there’s only so much we both can do and the rest is up to a Higher Power. I’m going to do what you told me from the very beginning – to take each day as it comes. I’m going to spend every day with you like it’s my last and I’m never going to give up unless it’s evident that letting go is what we need to do.

And should the dreaded thing happen someday, I know I’ll be eternally grateful for your existence and for your part in my life. You’ve taught me so much. You’ve taught me love, laughter, imagination, trust, belief and happiness like no other. You’ll be someone I was glad to have crossed paths with, every second of time spent with you so fruitful and beautiful, and I’ll move forward with my head held high, thinking about all the precious lessons that you and life have taught me, and I know I’ll be okay eventually.

I just desperately hope that you’ll be okay too.

I love you, with all my heart, and I’m going to continue for as long as I have the will to and have breath in my lungs, Zu. I promise.

© Ashes 2019

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manga art unknown

 

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Distance and Loss

Distance does something to you. There are moments where you’re filled with a deep-rooted ache, like something irreplaceable is missing from your life and you desperately want it back. There’s always the uncertainty that the distance will change things and it’s agonizing to know that you have no control over that. All you can control is the time you have at present, so far away from the ones you love, but you are forced to learn how to function without seeing them every single day. You realize how often you took the times you had together for granted, and you vow to never let that happen again the next time you see them. You wish for the days to go by faster because you miss them so much. Some days it’s unbearable while other days, life manages to distract you enough to not feel it as strongly. But the ache is always there; it just hits you harder on some days more than others.
Distance really is a test of love and patience, I realize, and I hope I can be one of those fortunate souls who manage to endure it.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it sure makes the rest of you lonely.” —Charles M. Schulz

Loss does something to you. It shakes your whole world in an instant, and without warning, you’re pushed off a cliff. At first, it doesn’t quite hit you yet and you’re just falling. But when it finally does, you crash into the ground and you feel the breath knocked out of you. And for a while, the only thing you can focus on is the pain, surrounding you, drowning you, and eventually, becoming you. It shatters you completely and the only way you can put yourself back together is when you embrace it; like a tree, you grow around it until it becomes something you carry with you for the rest of your life. Time makes things easier but it never erases them. They live forever in your heart and in your mind.
And if you look closely at the night sky, you’ll see a star you never noticed before. It shines brighter than the rest, and it twinkles at you. I’ll let you in on a little secret: that’s them, smiling down at you from the heavens, reminding you that they’re closer than you think and that they’ll always be there.

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.” —Edna St. Vincent Millay

© Ashes 2019

~~~

artwork unknown

Giving Up

i am tired,
tired of trying.
in the long run,
it probably did me good,
but right now
every breath i take
is agonizing.
these tears pouring,
they sear like hot lava.
this heart is heavy
and is feeling so much:
inadequate; pointless; lousy;
full to the brim with sadness
for the people around me
who have lost so much
but push through life anyway.
i wish to do the same,
and maybe i’ll wake up tomorrow
with the same fire in me as before.
but right now, i’m giving up
and i hope the people who love me
can let me do that,
can see that that’s what i need,
and can understand that
i don’t know what i want to do
tomorrow and every day after
but right now, i give in.
today, i concede to the demons
and invite them in
so i can feel all the pain full-force
and savor every second of it.
i hope that’s okay.

© Ashes 2019

~~~

artwork unknown