I am scared. I am tired. I am guilty. I am hurt. I am overwhelmed.
I feel like there’s this constant pain in my heart; sometimes it’s like a dull ache, whereas other times it’s sharp and pointy, like needles pricking into my mind and my heart.
It’s in these moments I feel the most lost. It is then when I wonder why I’m only strong enough on some days and why I concede defeat on others, that when I have incredibly supportive people on both of those days who are always rooting for me, why their words are only a balm on some days while they are a burden on others. It’s on those days where I wish for the inexplicable need to be taken away from everything, held, caressed and spoken soothing words to, but this feeling is rivaled by the incredible need to keep everyone away from me, away from the darkness that was so much worse before but is still there; ugly and all-consuming like a black hole waiting to leech out all the light from inside me and anyone who comes into contact with me.
Today is one of those paradoxical days, one where I don’t know how to get better, or if I even want to.
© Ashes 2019