It just takes the loss of someone you know to remember that death is inevitable, and is in fact, very real.
I lost my aunt yesterday. I’m not really okay. And if that’s my state, I can’t imagine what must be the state of her children.
This now, is me directly speaking to you, Khala.
I wonder what it feels like to die. Where does the soul go? Are you all alone? Is there someone there to hold your hand and guide you through the process of dying, if there even is a process; or is it something you have to go through all by yourself?
I hope to God it’s not the latter. I don’t want you to have to go through this all alone, Khala. Your children have each other and their father, but what about you?
Most of us have lost someone so we have some notion of what loss feels like: pain. Inexplicable pain. Loss is never easy, but to lose a mother is an unimaginable pain. You probably remember it from when your mother passed away, Khala. And I’m sure you’d never wish that sort of pain on anyone, let alone your own children, but here it is happening right now and I imagine, if you’re watching, that you’re really really sad. Let me tell you though, you have amazing and very strong children. And I’ll try my hardest to do what I can to support them and help them get through this.
Right now though what’s making me cry is the fact that you’re going through all of it alone. I don’t know how the afterlife works but I’m imagining you watching everything happening with a heavy heart, or well a heavy feeling in your soul. It hurts to lose someone but it hurts even more to see what effect that loss has on the people you love most.
I don’t know if you see me right now, sitting in C2, alternating between crying my eyes out and typing this. I miss you Khala. I wish I had gotten to know you better. It’s sad how you realize things you could have done more only after it’s too late. I love you. And I’m so sorry and so sad that you’re gone. The world has lost not just an amazing mother, daughter, aunt, and grandmother but also one of the kindest, warmest and altogether amazing souls to ever exist.
In time, we will all start to heal, little by little. Not move on, never move on, but heal. I hope the same goes for you. I hope you find happiness somehow, wherever you are right now.
Rest in peace, Khala.
© Ashes 2018
Artwork by Yochai Matos