As I sit here at the beach, listening to the sound of the waves brushing the sea shore, I am once again completely in awe of the universe and utterly aware of my existence. It’s something I’ve had to think about often these past few days.
Most of you don’t know this but I’m currently back in Saudi Arabia for a few days, and this also happens to be the place I grew up in.
The city I live in is close to the border with Yemen, who Saudi Arabia happens to be at war with for quite a while now. So I’ve been hearing a lot of missiles being intercepted lately, every day that I’ve been here so far, in fact. And every time I hear those thunderous booms, a part of me immediately fears that I am about to die. And with it, comes the thoughts about all the worthwhile things I’ve done in my life, but also all the moments I’ve wasted waiting for the ‘perfect time’ to do things.
Those are the moments where I’m once again reminded that I could die at any given moment; it could be the missiles that finally kill me, or something entirely different and common. Either way, I have a limited amount of time in this world. And this is the thought that jerks me awake and clears the fog that normally hovers over my mind. And then comes the panic – the realization that I have so much I want to do and that I’ve wasted so much of my valuable time.
I’m still learning to let go of the panic, and instead focus on each and every moment that I have and making the most of the time I still have left.
I realize that no matter what culture or religion, there are certain things that are expected of every human being to do in their life: be born, grow, go to school, go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, grow old, and eventually die. Whilst doing all of this, many of us forget about the spaces in between, how there’s still a world full of opportunities out there waiting for us to venture out and explore it.
I want to focus more on these spaces. I want to explore my full potential. I want to be kind and help people. I want to converse with people so much that I lose my awkwardness and can truly make people feel comfortable being around me, rather than giving short and vague replies and later regretting not having been more open. I want to love – not just someone or something, but everyone and everything. I want to be so full of love that I not only have enough for myself, but I also spread it to those around me, like the rays of the sun.
I want to conquer my fears. To grow. To overcome the anxiety that plagues me constantly and to make a difference in this world.
It’s just that I forget about all this sometimes. I get caught up in my everyday life, and it takes the reminder of my looming death to snap me out of the trance and get me motivated again.
I’m learning not to forget though.
I will make the most of the time I have left.
And hopefully when the last grains of sand trickle down the hourglass and my time to die comes, I’ll be content and satisfied with all that I’ve done and all that I’ve been.
© Ashes 2018