Letting Go

There are good days where I feel like I finally have a handle on my life and then there are bad days where I feel like the answers are just within my reach but I can’t quite grasp them. Or in some cases, I know what the answer is but I have a hard time accepting and coming to terms with it.

I don’t know how to let go of someone. This person is someone who got me through a particularly hard time in my life, so naturally there’s a bond I feel with him which, one could say, maybe even borders on desperation. I know that’s not exactly a healthy relationship. Which is why I’m trying to start over with him, become friends all over again, but I’m finding it a lot harder than I hoped it would be.

My mother disapproved of me being close to this person, or any guy really. Something to do with religion and the kind of society I live in. And because I was afraid to butt heads with her, I started to become really anxious around this friend of mine, constantly afraid I’d do something that’d result in my mother’s approval. My anxiety got so bad that it was hard for me to be around my own mother as well sometimes, let alone just that friend of mine. I knew it wasn’t exactly normal so I sought help from a psychiatrist.

I’ve been getting better but it’s still a work in progress.

I’m currently at the point in my life where I’m willing to fight to remain friends with him, even if it means my mother’s disapproval. This seems easier said than done, considering the restrictions I’m under because of the kind of traditional family I have. So much that I don’t think he wants to be friends with me anymore. I see him making efforts sometimes but I’m afraid he’s reached his limit. Things aren’t supposed to be so complicated. If he wants nothing to do with me at some point, it would be devastating yes, but a part of me would still understand where he’s coming from.

I don’t know if I should continue fighting for this or not. It all seems so tedious and tiring. I’ve always been someone who fights for her friends, and doesn’t let go unless she absolutely needs to. Well what if this is someone who no longer wants anything to do with me? What if I’m fighting for someone who just wants to be let go of? How do I make myself let him go when so much of me still feels like I owe him? At what point will I know when to stop?

I don’t want to give up on him, he does mean a lot to me. But what if it turns out I’ll have no other choice? What if, to get better mentally, I’d have to let go? Just the thought stresses me out and makes me anxious.

I don’t know what to do. I just hope things become clearer somehow. And that the time to make a decision isn’t any time soon.

I really don’t think I’m ready to let go.

© Ashes 2018


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