Welcome to my Mind: A Chaotic Wonder

In these past few days, one thing I’ve learned is that life without social media gives you lots of free time to think about things.

And that can be good. I mean I got to complete tasks I’ve been putting off for way too long. But it also gave me a lot of time to over-analyze things and my normally semi-messy brain has consequently become a kingdom of discord.

One of the things I’ve been dwelling on is life. Life is so fleeting and every moment is so very precious. And in the hubbub of life, it becomes easy to forget that we are all going to eventually die. We don’t normally think about death unless confronted by life-threatening situations or, well, in my case, when you have a lot of time to think in. It’s understandable. The thought is scary, so naturally we try to avoid thinking about it.

I’ve had a childhood filled with adventures and risks, and I am so glad for it. I’ve only started having regrets now that I’m older and have become a lot less sure of myself and very introverted as well. I’ve had anxiety problems but I’ve been taking medication for that for the past 6 months, and I have gotten so much better. Better enough to finally find the strength and motivation to truly live and to do things instead of just surviving and waiting for a change to miraculously happen.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

I am the only one who can bring about that change for myself.

And I think I’m finally getting there. Because I’ve reached a point where I want to go out and find things to be passionate about, things that make me feel alive and grateful for the life I’ve been given. I want to make up for the the time I have lost and make the most of the time I have left.

Months ago, I was content with just trudging through each day with the same routine and always trying to stay in my comfort zone and not take chances. I mean, the comfort zone is such an amazing and safe place especially for someone like me who has feared change for so long.

I still struggle every day. There are good days where I feel like I can do anything, and bad days where I wonder if it is all even worth it and I just want to quit. Which is the same for just about everyone, I suppose.

But the fact that I’m willing to at least put in the effort towards changing things in my life now rather than not doing anything at all and taking the easy way out speaks volumes.

It shows that I’ve made progress.  And that makes me so incredibly happy and proud of myself. And it’s a nice feeling; being proud of myself. Definitely beats always putting myself down.

I’m excited to see what comes next.

© Ashes 2018


Artwork by moonywolf on DeviantArt


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