For most of my life, I’ve been a very boisterous and smiley child, even a chatterbox at times. I don’t know when it happened but somewhere along the way, things changed: I became a lot quieter, but I also became more attuned to people’s emotions and actions than ever before. And among all the changes, a strange sort of sadness settled in my core.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not depressed; at least I don’t think I am. I have lots of moments where I am happy and can smile easily. But there are just as many times, if not more, where I need to isolate myself from everyone and I get really quiet and sometimes even sad. It is the kind of sadness that has permanently inhabited my soul. It even dictates my actions sometimes.
I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing though. It has heightened my sense of empathy and I’ve been able to help and relate to people a lot more than before. But I’ve noticed that it can be addictive. Although this happens rarely, sometimes I think I purposefully reach out for it when I feel like things have been going well for too long.
I don’t know if this is bad, but either way, I don’t think I can part with it. It’s now embedded in me and is a part of me that I’ve come to accept even if a few others haven’t. Some have even called this side of mine very ‘emo’ and discouraged me for it but I’ve grown above those taunts. This part of me allows me to connect with people I know (and even strangers), on an emotional level and I have gotten to know how much depth there is in those people, and human beings in general. It has cleared up many misconstrued notions I’ve had in the past and has made me realize there is more to people than what meets the eye.
So for now, I’ll tread carefully when it comes to this feeling. But I know for certain now that I would never willingly part with it. It might just be a blessing in disguise; maybe even a gift. And I know that I would definitely like to explore more of this uncharted territory.