I See Improvement!

They say that no two snowflakes are completely alike. Well I guess the same could be said about all of us. We may have many similar features or characteristics but no two of us are completely identical. Whether it’s our physical attributes or our personality traits, there’s always going to be something that differentiates us from others.

And I find that really beautiful, for some reason.

I mean, if you think about it, each of us has a purpose, and it may be doing something that spreads worldwide and affects millions, or it may just be a small thing you do for a single person, which could still make a difference in their life and would not be all for naught.

Each of us has the potential to be anything we want, and to do anything we want with our lives. At any given moment, we could do something that would change our lives entirely and just thinking about that makes each and every moment seem so precious. It makes me feel like I can do anything if I set my mind to it.

I only manage to feel that way a few times though. Most of the time I feel I have no motivation to make changes.

But ever since I started therapy 6 months ago, I’ve noticed the changes in me, how change scares me less and less each day, and how I try to take risks and chances instead of living a monotonous life like before.

I have a lot to be grateful for. It’s sad that I forget that sometimes.

But at least I’m getting better. Even that seemed impossible months ago. There’s another thing to be grateful for now!



Choosing one song as my favorite is one of the hardest things for me, right next to choosing a favorite book. But if I could choose just one song which I’d want the entire world to listen to as well, it would be ‘Saturn’ by Sleeping at Last.

The lyrics are simple yet so deep and they make you dwell on the intricacy of life. Not to mention how intoxicating the music is. I love it so much. It fills my heart with so much emotion, and no matter how many times I may have heard it, each time I listen to it is like the very first time for me. And I hope that never stops happening when it comes to this song. It makes me appreciate life more.

You taught me the courage of stars before you left.
How light carries on endlessly, even after death.
With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite.
How rare and beautiful it is to even exist.

I hope people listen to it and fall in love with it just as much as I have.


My Pores Ooze Uncertainty

I wish the contents of this post were as fun as the title I’ve given it. Alas, that may not be so. I’ve been battling with situation lately and I keep asking myself this question.

How do I stop treating someone like a support system?

Yes, in the past he’s been a shoulder to lean on and has helped me so much. But I don’t want that to be all that there is. I want to be friends with him, the real kind of friendship where you get to know each other. But I’ve already bared all my secrets to him and now I feel like I have nothing more to offer.

I hate how uncertain I am when it comes to him.

I don’t even know why I’m trying so hard to hold on and make this work. I guess that’s not true. My psychiatrist had something to say about that. She said I’m still holding onto this friend, as though I need him, and that’s a pretty unstable relationship. I realize she’s right but I can’t figure out how to change this.

At times, he provokes me and my normally short temperament then has endless patience somehow. I don’t want someone to always support me even when I’m in the wrong. I want to be told when I’m being insane. Which he does very often though. And I can’t always figure out if he is the one being too blunt or I am just acting batty.

For the most part, I know the problem is in me.
I just don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to change things. I don’t know if things can even be changed at this point. Maybe I should just let go.

I can’t be sure of anything in this state though.

I might just take a break for a while to sort things out.

One thing I do know for certain: my pores need to be clogged of all the ‘I don’t knows’ leaking out of me.

Frustrated Ramblings

‘You’re just too sentimental. Too emotional. Are you being this way because it’s your time of the month? Stop over-reacting. You’re so dumb. You feel too much.’ 

I’m sorry I feel. I’m sorry I do something which is basic human instinct. Being human, that’s what I do. I’m sorry for that. Yes, I should be brought down a peg or two for it. Definitely.
I’ve been sorry for too long.
Because it’s also this quality of mine that lets me connect with people on an emotional level. I love that about me. I love that I’ve been given the chance to help people. Feeling what they feel; empathy, that is a gift. Especially in a world like today’s where it’s considered such a weakness. I am filled with such anger, because there are so many precious souls, especially males, being taught from such a young age that they need to be tough and unemotional, as if their strength is determined by how often they cry and how quickly they can suppress the urge to do so. I want to fight for them. I want them to know it’s okay.
PS. no, the fact that my uterus lining is shed every month is not the reason for why I’m feeling all the time.

‘Don’t make so much noise. Laugh quieter. Keep a low profile, don’t give the men a reason to harass you.’ 

Some women, especially in the society I live in, have been taught to cover themselves from head-to-toe, one of the reasons being that it will hide them and protect them from the leers and jeers. Sadly, it does not. Because of the way they are dressed, they are considered ‘prudes’. Those dressed even the slightest bit inappropriately are ‘asking for it’. Both extremes of people are pre-judged and treated accordingly. So is everyone really. Boys included.
I’m sorry. For those who have also been told not to draw attention to themselves. For those who’ve also gotten disapproving glances if they even laughed too loud, immediately followed by speculations, like seeking the attentions of the opposite sex. For every moment you’ve felt unsafe out of your houses and for all the times people made you feel uncomfortable in your own skin.

I’ve been told that change will take a really long time to come about, so why even bother? Well if we just think that change will happen miraculously and do nothing, how will said change ever even occur?

I’m sorry for all the injustice in the world, especially when it happened around me and I didn’t do anything because I was too afraid.

I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

So I promise to fight, to fight for everything good in the world, to not go down without at least trying.

And hopefully I’ll find people along the way and we’ll have each other to rely on in our individual journeys, our paths intertwining and keeping us all connected.

Letting Go

There are good days where I feel like I finally have a handle on my life and then there are bad days where I feel like the answers are just within my reach but I can’t quite grasp them. Or in some cases, I know what the answer is but I have a hard time accepting and coming to terms with it.

I don’t know how to let go of someone. This person is someone who got me through a particularly hard time in my life, so naturally there’s a bond I feel with him which, one could say, maybe even borders on desperation. I know that’s not exactly a healthy relationship. Which is why I’m trying to start over with him, become friends all over again, but I’m finding it a lot harder than I hoped it would be.

My mother disapproved of me being close to this person, or any guy really. Something to do with religion and the kind of society I live in. And because I was afraid to butt heads with her, I started to become really anxious around this friend of mine, constantly afraid I’d do something that’d result in my mother’s approval. My anxiety got so bad that it was hard for me to be around my own mother as well sometimes, let alone just that friend of mine. I knew it wasn’t exactly normal so I sought help from a psychiatrist.

I’ve been getting better but it’s still a work in progress.

I’m currently at the point in my life where I’m willing to fight to remain friends with him, even if it means my mother’s disapproval. This seems easier said than done, considering the restrictions I’m under because of the kind of traditional family I have. So much that I don’t think he wants to be friends with me anymore. I see him making efforts sometimes but I’m afraid he’s reached his limit. Things aren’t supposed to be so complicated. If he wants nothing to do with me at some point, it would be devastating yes, but a part of me would still understand where he’s coming from.

I don’t know if I should continue fighting for this or not. It all seems so tedious and tiring. I’ve always been someone who fights for her friends, and doesn’t let go unless she absolutely needs to. Well what if this is someone who no longer wants anything to do with me? What if I’m fighting for someone who just wants to be let go of? How do I make myself let him go when so much of me still feels like I owe him? At what point will I know when to stop?

I don’t want to give up on him, he does mean a lot to me. But what if it turns out I’ll have no other choice? What if, to get better mentally, I’d have to let go? Just the thought stresses me out and makes me anxious.

I don’t know what to do. I just hope things become clearer somehow. And that the time to make a decision isn’t any time soon.

I really don’t think I’m ready to let go.

What Does Special Even Mean?

You know how in the movies and books, there’s always this one person who stands out and has something that differs from the others and it makes them unique. The stories center around that person and the people in close contact with them throughout. And with good reason, if I think about it.

But does anyone ever wonder about the other characters? The ones that can easily fade into the background and are probably mediocre at best in every single thing that they do.

Probably not that often.

Which is why it gets me thinking. About myself.

Because that’s who I’d be; one of those characters that are pretty average and might not catch people’s eye that easily. Someone not very captivating. It’s not like I’m bad at every thing I do. For one, I guess I know that the things I can do, others can do better.

I guess I could do a lot worse, and I am really grateful for the attributes I’ve been gifted. I guess it’s just something I tend to think about when I have too much time to dwell on things.

What’s so wrong with average? With mediocre? What if that’s all we can do?

What about the people who try to be the very best versions of themselves and that turns out to be someone not considered unique by the standards that society has set?

I realize I might just fall under that category, and it’s not as bad as it’d seem.

Just as long as I know I’m trying my hardest to be someone good, I think I’m quite okay with that.

But there are always people who mock me for being content with being average.

What if that’s all I can be?

Stories about the underdogs; that’s what I’d like to hear more about.

“Here’s to the kids.
The kids who would rather spend their night with a bottle of coke & Patrick or Sonny playing on their headphones than go to some vomit-stained high school party.
Here’s to the kids whose 11:11 wish was wasted on one person who will never be there for them.
Here’s to the kids whose idea of a good night is sitting on the hood of a car, watching the stars.
Here’s to the kids who never were too good at life, but still were wicked cool.
Here’s to the kids who listened to Fall Out boy and Hawthorne Heights before they were on MTV…and blame MTV for ruining their life.
Here’s to the kids who care more about the music than the haircuts.
Here’s to the kids who have crushes on a stupid lush.
Here’s to the kids who hum “A Little Less 16 Candles, A Little More Touch Me” when they’re stuck home, dateless, on a Saturday night.
Here’s to the kids who have ever had a broken heart from someone who didn’t even know they existed.
Here’s to the kids who have read The Perks of Being a Wallflower & didn’t feel so alone after doing so.
Here’s to the kids who spend their days in photobooths with their best friend(s).
Here’s to the kids who are straight up smartasses & just don’t care.
Here’s to the kids who speak their mind.
Here’s to the kids who consider screamo their lullaby for going to sleep.
Here’s to the kids who second guess themselves on everything they do.
Here’s to the kids who will never have 100 percent confidence in anything they do, and to the kids who are okay with that.
Here’s to the kids.
This one’s not for the kids,
who always get what they want,
But for the ones who never had it at all.
It’s not for the ones who never got caught,
But for the ones who always try and fall.
This one’s for the kids who didnt make it,
We were the kids who never made it.
The Overcast girls and the Underdog Boys.
Not for the kids who had all their joys.
This one’s for the kids who never faked it.
We’re the kids who didn’t make it.
They say “Breaking hearts is what we do best,”
And, “We’ll make your heart be ripped of your chest”
The only heart that I broke was mine,
When I got My Hopes up too too high.
We were the kids who didnt make it.
We are the kids who never made it.”
― Pete Wentz

Hearts Full of Wonder


Such a simple and powerful word that brings insane imagery to my mind the moment I think of it.

I think of all the things that call out to me as a dreamer. A reader. A writer. A poet.

Most of all, it brings out my inner child and the creative, imaginative side of my brain begins to tingle.

I think of all the adventures I’ve had in the world of fiction as well as the real world.
I remember growing up at Hogwarts with Harry, Ron and Hermione. I remember falling down the rabbit hole and exploring Wonderland with Alice. I remember fighting in the wars with the Pevensies and saving Narnia.
I remember running around on the road when I was younger pretending I had magical powers and it was time to save the world again. I remember having the best of times with all 55 of my imaginary friends. It’s insane how I still remember all of their names.


People ask me why I love children so much. I believe they’re so pure and genuine and so unbelievably real. They display all these characteristics which we often outgrow and lose at a young age. They have the most creative of imaginations, each child’s world so unique and magical. Society and it’s ways of thinking hasn’t corrupted their precious minds and they can be whatever they want to be, do what they want to, and they care so much.


Their hearts and minds are full of wonder.

The kind of wonder which adults can’t always understand and appreciate.

They make me happy. They give me hope. They give me motivation. They ignite a spark in me that makes me want to be the best version of myself that I can be. And they make me want to make the world a better place. They make me want to do good and be good.

Human beings fascinate me.

And the little ones bring me great joy.

I hope to be someone they can look up to.

Versatile Blogger Award


I’ve recently been nominated for my first ever Versatile Blogger Award by An anonymous escape from life and I feel so happy! Thank you so much for nominating me. I started following her blog a while back, and I relate to so much of what she writes about and it’s all so beautifully written! You should definitely check out her blog some time.


  1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and share their link.
  2. Nominate blogs that you have recently discovered or follow lately.
  3. Inform them about their nominations.
  4. Reveal 7 facts about yourself that your readers may not know.



  1. I recently had my hair dyed into streaks of red, blues, and purple because I wanted to have the kind of hair that I assume mermaids have.
  2. I usually stick my pinky finger out whenever I’m drinking something.
  3. I like experimenting with things that most people usually wont do, which is why I also have violet colored contact lenses and I love to wear them and freak people out.
  4. I love reading Fantasy books. That’s the genre that completely engrosses me and my imagination loves to feed on the words in the pages and run rampant.
  5. I can be really dramatic.
  6. I love fuzzy socks.
  7. I have really adventurous dreams that I sometimes write short stories about.

Thank you again Abbey! ❤

~ Eesha

Welcome to my Mind: A Chaotic Wonder

In these past few days, one thing I’ve learned is that life without social media gives you lots of free time to think about things.

And that can be good. I mean I got to complete tasks I’ve been putting off for way too long. But it also gave me a lot of time to over-analyze things and my normally semi-messy brain has consequently become a kingdom of discord.

One of the things I’ve been dwelling on is life. Life is so fleeting and every moment is so very precious. And in the hubbub of life, it becomes easy to forget that we are all going to eventually die. We don’t normally think about death unless confronted by life-threatening situations or, well, in my case, when you have a lot of time to think in. It’s understandable. The thought is scary, so naturally we try to avoid thinking about it.

I’ve had a childhood filled with adventures and risks, and I am so glad for it. I’ve only started having regrets now that I’m older and have become a lot less sure of myself and very introverted as well. I’ve had anxiety problems but I’ve been taking medication for that for the past 6 months, and I have gotten so much better. Better enough to finally find the strength and motivation to truly live and to do things instead of just surviving and waiting for a change to miraculously happen.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

I am the only one who can bring about that change for myself.

And I think I’m finally getting there. Because I’ve reached a point where I want to go out and find things to be passionate about, things that make me feel alive and grateful for the life I’ve been given. I want to make up for the the time I have lost and make the most of the time I have left.

Months ago, I was content with just trudging through each day with the same routine and always trying to stay in my comfort zone and not take chances. I mean, the comfort zone is such an amazing and safe place especially for someone like me who has feared change for so long.

I still struggle every day. There are good days where I feel like I can do anything, and bad days where I wonder if it is all even worth it and I just want to quit. Which is the same for just about everyone, I suppose.

But the fact that I’m willing to at least put in the effort towards changing things in my life now rather than not doing anything at all and taking the easy way out speaks volumes.

It shows that I’ve made progress.  And that makes me so incredibly happy and proud of myself. And it’s a nice feeling; being proud of myself. Definitely beats always putting myself down.

I’m excited to see what comes next.


Artwork by moonywolf on DeviantArt

Shortcomings as a Granddaughter

This is to you, my beloved grandparents.

Each day I sit by you, trying to keep you company, and each day I know I fall short of what you really deserve.

I know that I’m not the most terrible of granddaughters, but I do know I’m not the best of what I am capable of being.

As we sit there in silence, the TV sounds being the only noise in the air, I try to think of ways to bond with you. You should know that I’m just a less social person now and talking doesn’t always come easy to me, not like I used to be when I was younger. Back then, I used to visit you after a whole year and I would chatter about anything and everything. You should know that I lost that part of me many years ago, and you two are not at all to blame for what my introverted self is now.


Every day it’s only you two, with brief moments of my own company and my mother’s too. But I can’t imagine that being nearly as enough as what you truly deserve.

One thing I am extremely glad for is that you two have one another. I imagine it must all be so much worse if you two didn’t have each other for company and sanity and assurance and love. I wish to have someone like that in my life too someday. Someone to share each day of my life with, through all the ups and downs. Like what you are to each other.

The worst part is that I can see you being lonely but I can never get myself to do anything about it. I try in little ways to make you feel better but I don’t know if my efforts reach your hearts. And that’s all I want: for you to be happy and content, and I wish to be one reason for that happiness. I want to be one of those people who make an impact on your lives.

I try but I know it’s nowhere near enough.

You deserve so much more. So much better.

I’ll try harder, really I will. Just please don’t lose your hope in me yet.

I’ll try my hardest to bring back those smiles on your faces and the twinkles in your dim eyes.